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massochism) wrote2023-12-22 02:50 pm
Inbox - Golden Peacock
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25 / male / gay / 3♦
Details
Hello, my name is Olivine. I'm a priest of the God of Klein, and I enjoy helping others in my free time. I'm also a healer, so if you ever find yourself in need, please don't hesitate to seek me out for assistance or conversation or both.
I like to think myself quite easy to get along with, and I'm happy to make friends and acquaintances. I've been told I can be a little too optimistic sometimes, but I can't really help it. Ah, and I've been working on myself of late to become more self-confident, with the help of others around me.
For the moment, I'm just looking to make connections. If I can, I'd also like to find something to do with myself—I have experience with several creative endeavours.
I may not be able to offer much now, but I hope to become more helpful in the future. Please bear with me in the interim.
As I mentioned before, I'm a healer and a priest. I also know a fair bit of magic, at least how it works in my own world. On top of that, I enjoy painting and writing.
I have a penchant for trying new things, even when they may seem strange. I'm quite... resilient, when it comes to that.
Oh, I don't know. I like a lot of fantasy books, especially ones with intrigue and romance in them, as well as tomes and history books. I also quite enjoy church music, though... I suppose I just like music in general. Things that are pleasant to listen to and soothe the heart.
I haven't gotten a chance to experience much in the way of food, personally. I do love home-cooked meals and fresh breads, things that are flavourful and comforting.
Well... I think my ideal partner would be someone strong-willed, confident, and warm-hearted. Someone kind and understanding, who can accept me as I am.
Mm... and it wouldn't hurt if he was someone playful and a bit rough. I like it when I'm taken by surprise, in all senses of the word, by someone I trust. Of course... it's also best if they can handle a little playfulness in return.
WINE
.02 CLOWNS OR MIMES
CLOWNS
.03 SHOWER OR BATH
BATH
.04 PIRATES OR NINJAS
PIRATES
.05 TITS OR ASS
TITS
.06 COFFEE OR TEA
TEA
.07 SPICY OR SWEET
SWEET
.08 SUMMER OR WINTER
SUMMER
.09 LEATHER OR LACE
LACE
10. ROUGH SEX OR GENTLE SEX
ROUGH SEX
ENFJ-T
text | un: alcazarzaray
Just checking in.
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Truth be told, I've found it hard to make myself do anything, too.
Is there anywhere in particular you feel like going? I have a treehouse in the Vale, if you want.
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let's meet at the entrance? I'll take you there.
You don't have to bring anything, unless there's something you want. I have some snacks and drinks up there.
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[like building a snuggle nest and drinking about their losses—
But it's not too long before he's at the entrance, peering up thoughtfully through the trees for a moment. It's truly impressive, how the place changes from season to season despite being (presumably) artificially lit. But once that momentary musing is past, his attention turns earnestly to finding Kaveh.]
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[ Standing at the base of the tree that conceals his treehouse, Kaveh spies Olivine stepping into the Vale. He's quick to send a smile in the other's direction, taking a few steps forward and waving so that the priest might see him more easily; he waves. ]
Over here!
[ Once the other joins him, he'll lower the ladder so that they can both climb. It's a tall tree, but once they're inside the place is cozy and comfortable, cushons and similar chairs spread around the floor for them. ]
Make yourself comfortable, Olivine.
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Thank you for bringing me here, Kaveh.
[He smiles a little more sheepishly as he's told to make himself comfortable—which isn't difficult with the cushions scattered around the floor, but probably has more to do with the way Olivine then shifts to pull Kaveh with him. Or closer to him. Whatever he needs to do to immediately nestle in and appreciate the solid warmth of a friend.]
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[ And he's about to explain, but Olivine reaches for him before he can, shifts to pull Kaveh in close. There's no hesitation in the way the blonde's arms circle him, quiet concern on his features.
For everything he's been feeling about this whole thing, Olivine has to be feeling so much worse, doesn't he?
He sighs, and reaches to stroke fingers through his friend's hair. ]
Tell me how you're feeling?
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Asks him the one thing that ties his tongue in knots.]
I'm... [not okay, obviously. But the pause is more profound than that; Olivine's brows furrow as he thinks, trying to find the right words. And trying to not brush them aside, for that matter.] I'm a little better now than I was. It's been a few days since it last felt like I was just... existing in a void.
[He does stop shy of admitting being frustrated that he hasn't sought out his other friends and lovers enough. Enough grief has "graced" his life to know that he hasn't been neglecting them because of it, but he's still struggling with being allowed on this side of that need.]
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I understand.
[ He says it quietly. ]
For... for what it's worth, I'm not expecting you to be okay right now. So you don't have to pretend to be feeling better if you're not. There's alcohol up here, and snacks, and we can just... we can exist together, if that's what we need to do. If that's what helps right now.
[ He reaches up, threads his fingers gently through the other's hair, brushing along his scalp. ]
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I don't think I could expect either of us to be okay right now.
[it's a quiet agreement, a soft hum as he nuzzles into the brush of fingers in his hair. his own hands move to stroke gently over Kaveh's side, similar understanding in the motion. they're both hurting, and honestly... helping others also helps him just as much.]
There is... I thought about drinking, though I'm not really used to it still. And I get... needy when I do drink too much. If you don't mind, I wouldn't turn it down. Just existing sounds wonderful, though, to start.
[his hands squeeze a little then, smile soft and wan.]
... I'm glad you're still here with me, Kaveh.
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It's okay if we drink and you get a little needy. Drinking makes me needy, too.
[ And so he sits up a little, without moving to pull away. Smiles at Olivine in soft understanding as he reaches across to the cooler he's brought up to store the wine in. ]
Do you have a preference? For red, or white?
[ And then, in an undertone, his gaze not quite meeting the other's: ]
I'm glad you're still here too, Olivine. More than I can say.
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Then, I'd like that, yes. It's funny... I don't want to forget, but I also... don't want to think about it all for a little while.
[It's the danger of drink, he supposes; the temptation to give up all thought can be consuming if one isn't careful. Kaveh moves to open the cooler and Olivine moves along with him, easing the actions so there's no need to struggle or pull away anyway.]
Ah—actually, I still don't really know the difference between the two. Is one more... sweet? I think sweet would be good right now.
[balance the bitterness, or something. His hands squeeze gently when Kaveh's voice quiets, soothing over his side.]
I'm glad, too. As hard as it is... I don't like the idea of leaving the ones I love alone. [not an ounce of hesitation there. Olivine loves broadly and deeply, after all.] No more than I'm sure they did.
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[ But not wanting to forget. Needing to remember the people who held him together when he fell apart, who became the people upon whom he could rely the most... He never stopped being sad, and yet little by little, he learned to start over, to make...
He sucks in a breath, and after a moment selects a white—specifically, a moscato. ]
White wine is made from white grapes—the grapes a lot of people think of as green. It tends to be fermented without its skin, so it's more acidic but also pops more in the mouth. Red wines are made from red or black grapes, but also they include both the seed and the skin. It gives red wine a fuller taste, but a little bitterer, too.
[ Careful so as not to dislodge the other from him, he pours them each a glass, handing one across to his friend, nodding in response to his words—and then sighing once more. ]
Yeah. I hate that idea too. And I'm sure that... mm, for you especially, for Eiden especially, being pulled away from you would be the last thing he would have wanted.
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I see... I think I would usually prefer a white, then. Although, I do tolerate bitter alright from time to time.
[His fingers curl delicately around the stem of his glass, thoughts still swirling but a little more... settled, at least. It really is a reminder of how important others are, especially in crises.]
Mm. He apologised profusely after the last time he returned... [a bittersweet memory, made even more so by repetition.] I'm sure it wasn't just me, though. Eiden loves as deeply as I do, and he blossoms around others, doesn't he? It made me so happy, seeing him that way with all of us. And Basch and Sylvain... they were so supportive...
[trailing off, he peers at the white liquid in his glass for a moment begot taking a slow, curious sip. The words feel heavy and awkward, all wrong somehow. He's not even sure what he wants to say. Or if he wants to say anything at all.]
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It would be unbearable.
With a small sigh, he sips at his wine before settling back against Olivine—and just like the other, he finds that he doesn't know what he's meant to say. What he wants to say. The air has never felt like this between them before, and yet... ]
We're lucky. To have had the chance to get to know them. Whether at home, or here. You know?
[ He swirls the wine in his glass, looking at it quietly. ]
I'm lucky to know you, too.
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[It breaks something in the tenuous melancholy, hearing it from Kaveh. Nothing will diminish the pain of their loss, but in sharing it, maybe it's a little easier to bring them both a little comfort. And maybe there really isn't that much to say, specifically. Just reminiscing is its own process.
I'm lucky to know you, too. he's... almost unprepared for how the words sink in; though they're not heavy, they still find a space both tender and warm to settle. Cheeks darken in a rather characteristic response, and he shifts to lean in and press his lips to Kaveh's jaw.]
I'm lucky, too. It... [He chuckles then, taking another sip of the wine and letting its flavors play over his tongue.] It's a relief. Being able to just be upset, and not having to have the right words; knowing that the grief doesn't affect how we're still here for each other. Still not alone. I'm still not very... used to that feeling.
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Kaveh's hand skates over the treehouse flooring as he falls quiet for a moment. ]
I inherited this treehouse, you know. I mean... I helped design it, but I didn't design it for me. It was for someone else who I loved a lot, and...
[ He frowns, falling quiet for a moment. ]
This place makes it easy to fall in love. And then people leave, and... [ He huffs a sigh. ] It makes me all the more glad that we have each other. Whether you're used to it or not.
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I'm sure they would be happy that you kept taking care of it.
[moving to rest his hand over the one grazing the floor, he lets their fingers intertwine.]
It does... and I'm only not used to it because I was... well, everyone had such high expectations of me, after all. Even when I was little.
[needing help or support wasn't much of an option for him.]
The love is worth it, too. Even in the face of them leaving. I'm glad we got to experience it here, and we have permanent reminders that it was real.
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Maybe this is wrong of me to say, because I don't know how you were brought up. But you can have high expectations of someone and still show them love and affection. My parents always had high expectations for me, and... until my father died, at least, I never felt like I was on my own. And... Alhaitham doesn't talk about his grandmother that much, but I know the same is true for him...
[ He sighs. Tries to focus on that feeling of injustice instead of the strange, bitter feeling of having "reminders".
After all, he's not sure he has that many. ]
Slips in the religious trauma and parental yikes cws actually
[that alone says more about Olivine's upbringing than he would like... and slipping into the thought of his upbringing leaves him unaware that he should perhaps clarify what "reminders" he means are things like this treehouse.]
I... [again his gaze drifts to the drink in his other hand, the serenity of his expression shifting just a little to something more... guilty, more tired. Smiling wryly, he chuckles before speaking again.] It's a little hard to talk about it at length, I suppose. My upbringing was far from the norm, yes. As God's Chosen One, it centered around being a proper priest... a proper pillar and ear for the people.
[The longer he's here, the more he talks about it, and the more he's forced to confront the reality of how deeply fucked up it all was. Clinging to the excuse of his parents wanting the best? Practically impossible.]
My parents are very... traditional. And I struggle to fit into that confined space, so I've rarely really been "good enough."
T_T
Don't say it like that, [ he insists, voice strident despite the fact he's whispering, lips pressing firm into the other's hair. ] You've always been good enough. If they didn't see that... that's on them, Olivine. Not you.
[ He pulls back to look down at him, gaze serious. ]
You need to remember that, okay? And if you can't... if you can't, then you tell me. I'll remember it for you.
[ His hand lifts, brushing against Olivine's cheek. ]
You've always been good enough.
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[Kaveh pulls him close and Olivine curls his free hand around the blond's arm. Guilt flickers through him at the sound in it, the shimmer of tears in spite of the firm words. It... isn't the first time he's made this mistake, he supposes, but it feels terrible every time.]
... I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make it sound like I thought I wasn't good enough.
[As much as he's still hurting for want of recognition from them... his expression is complex as Kaveh looks down at him, trying to find the right words to not cause further distress. It's a complex subject, after all.]
... I do remember it. [He says it quietly, fingers stroking the soft skin of Kaveh's arm.] People here have made that... fairly clear, and back home, the other clan members did much the same.
[a hand finds his cheek and he quiets for a moment, leaning into the warmth of it. There's so much he wants to say, but the words feel thick and heavy on his tongue.]
I... I'm not sure if I'll ever fully believe it, even though I know it's true with most people. I'm... afraid to, maybe. More than losing people, even. I was alone for so long, so even though the idea of being alone again is suffocating... it's something I can endure.
If I was always good enough... then I don't really know if I can accept the things I had to do to atone for my failures.
[It's... not the conversation he intended to start, but the words tumble free nonetheless. He's careful with them, both out of shame and the acute need to downplay what he's gone through.]
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He knows how it is, not to see yourself the way others around you do.
He reaches up, running his fingers through the other's hair. ]
I don't know enough about your past to answer some of those questions, [ he says after a moment, his voice soft. ] But... I know how it is. To not believe it, even though the others around me do. But I think...
[ He sighs. Maybe there's nothing he can say that others haven't already, but.. ]
You're special, Olivine. And the things you see as failures... I'm sure that in the eyes of others, they're nothing so drastically terrible.
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